


tonight we lost our way

by JPFB



Series: Number Five [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bunk Sex, Conventional Weapons, Frerard, M/M, Number Five - Freeform, Projekt Revolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-22
Packaged: 2017-12-03 06:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JPFB/pseuds/JPFB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But tonight we lost our way,<br/>But tonight we lost our way” </p><p><em> His voice cracks on the last note, betraying his confidence in the lyrics. Mikey, who was in the room as always to get the first listen, just raises his eyebrows, expressing more than he could through words</em> "</p>
            </blockquote>





	tonight we lost our way

**Author's Note:**

> [edit 22.11.13 sorry this fic is bad i will do it again one day]
> 
> so this ended up being nothing like i had planned haha. it was meant to be a short piece, maybe 400 words long, providing some sort of explanation to the first piece. i am proud of this though, gerard is so fun to write.
> 
>  _Playlist_  
>  -Burn Bright  
> -Surrender the Night  
> -I Don't Believe You, Pink  
> -Don't Speak, No Doubt
> 
> as before, Frank and Gerard don't have children. I **love** Lindsey, she's a lucky girl.
> 
> every memory/moment i mention has been inspired either by a live video or a photograph. however, i've played loose and fast with the timeline on this one, so the dates don't entirely fit together right.

_“Hey Gee, man, you okay?” Gerard looks up, comes face to face with his little brother. Of course. Of course, Mikey would be the one to ask if HE was okay. He couldn’t blame them, he’d written the damn song. He just hadn’t expected them to all fucking REALISE. ‘I guess I didn’t give them enough credit’ he tells himself. ‘oh god, Mikey is still looking at me. Oh god, what do I say? I can't lie to him, he’ll know’. As it turns out, words aren’t needed. Mikey sees the tear stains on his brother’s face and pulls him into a tight embrace, murmuring words of encouragement. He couldn’t even tell you what they were, but they appear to work. Gerard’s breathing gets slower and he no longer looks, or feels, so panicked._

**  
Gerard is in his attic, clearing it out, ready for the move to LA. His smile gets really wide as he thinks of how he and Lindsey are finally going to have their dream home. Gerard loves Jersey like nothing else, but anywhere Lindsey goes is where he wants to be.

He finds a large box; the label is a scrawled “forever”. Puzzled, he opens the lid. When he sees the contents, his stomach drops and the sick feeling that he’s spent so long pushing away returns. His hands are shaking as he starts to pull the contents out. 

There are photos of Frank. The box is full of photos of Frank. Of him and Frank. Together. By this point, Gerard’s entire body is shaking, his hands sweating.  
He turns over the first photo, sees him and Frank squashed in the van. Gerard sighs. He remembers that moment. It was taken the day of their first proper show, with Frank actually in the band as opposed to standing on a stool cheering them on. Gerard had been totally wasted, they had ALL been totally wasted and it shows in the photo he is currently clutching. In the photograph, he’s grinning like a maniac, sticking his tongue out. Frank’s eyes are glazed over, staring at Gerard, the product of too many joints and cheap beer.

**  
 _“Come ON Gee” Frank is laughing, stumbling down the corridor backstage. They had just played a CRAZY show. Frank had jumped into the pit and was now sporting a huge black eye. Frank runs back, grabs Gerard’s hand and tugs him into the nearest room, pushing him against the door before the older man can protest. Not that he was planning on protesting. Gerard leans forward, pulls Frank by his tie and kisses him. It’s hard and rough, like all their kisses. Frank doesn’t mind, he’s just happy to be there. It’s not long before they’re both panting, moaning into each other’s mouths. Frank drops to his knees, hears Gerard inhale quickly and grins._

**  
The intensity of the memory shocks Gerard. He takes a deep breath before diving into the box again, picking a photograph at random. It’s a black and white shot of Frank and him, smoking during an interview. He smiles, remembering how Frank used to suck his cheeks in SO HARD when he inhaled, hollowing them out, before exhaling. Gerard slaps himself on the face, breaking out of his thoughts. It feels so wrong to be thinking about Frank when he’s packing up, ready to live with his beautiful wife.

**

> “And I'll remember your eyes-  
>  When you're gone” 

_Gerard pauses, looking back over the lyrics, mentally analysing their quality. He’s pretty proud of the song so far. He hasn’t been this honest, this open with lyrics since Disenchanted and even that had been slightly clouded with imagery._

> “But tonight we lost our way,  
>  But tonight we lost our way” 

_His voice cracks on the last note, betraying his confidence in the lyrics. Mikey, who was in the room as always to get the first listen, just raises his eyebrows, expressing more than he could through words. Gerard presses his hands to his eyes, trying to push the threat of tears away. He doesn’t want to cry, to reveal to Mikey that the lyrics aren’t just words. That they really really mean something. He’s usually so good at covering his feelings with metaphors. That’s how the band works – hiding feelings of love behind imagery of vampires. But when it comes to Frank, he forgets how to. He just wants to pour out his emotions, all the pain and aches he carries with him._

**  
“Fuck” Gerard whispers to himself, that sick feeling hitting him full force. He hasn’t thought of Frank in this way for, ooh, at least a week. He chuckles sadly.

**  
“Mama we all go to hell”

_Frank takes that as his cue to swagger over to Gerard, licking a stripe up his neck before moving lower, pushing his crotch against Gerard’s arse, grinding just enough to hear Gerard’s breathing speed up. Smirking, Frank moves round to Gerard’s front, ditching his guitar along the way. He kneels down, shoves his face in the singer’s crotch before grabbing his guitar and playing like normal. Acting like he hasn’t got his nose on Gerard’s dick. Which is rapidly getting hard. ON STAGE. Panicking slightly, Gerard shoves Frank off, making him topple over. Frank gets up slowly, laughing at Gerard before strolling over to Mikey, leaning into his face, annoying him._

_“What the fuck Frank?!” Gerard is glaring at Frank backstage, angry that the smaller man had evoked such a reaction in his body. Frank just grins, kisses Gerard chastely on the lips before strolling off, with one last remark – “you said it yourself babe, we all go to hell”. He winks at the older man who just stares back, frozen._

**  
Gerard firmly pushes a hand to his jeans, hoping to relieve the ache. The memory was SO good; almost as good as it had been in real life. But it’s making his stomach hurt and his head spin. He doesn’t want to feel this way. He knows he has no right to; he was the one to end it. But then, really, wasn’t he the one who had started it? He was the one who had kissed Frank, that night in the van, all those years ago. It’s too easy to blame Frank. But Gerard wouldn’t know that. He’s spent the last few years blaming himself. Always blaming himself.

**  
 _It’s midnight, the bus is driving in the middle of nowhere and Frank and Gerard are in their little kitchen, drinking coffee. The projekt revolution tour has been incredible; the fans have been amazing and the shows – ‘Man', Gerard thinks, 'the shows have been the best we’ve ever done’. They’d all played their hearts out, Gerard singing like the world was going to end tomorrow and it was the last chance he had to get his message across. But it’s coming to an end soon. Gerard is going to marry his girlfriend in just a few days. He smiles thinking about it, before catching Frank’s eye. The younger man’s smile falls off his face as he realises what is making Gerard so happy. He wants to be the one to make Gerard grin like that._

_Gerard stands up, grabs Frank’s hand and gestures towards the bunks. Frank raises an eyebrow but agrees, following behind, his hand still clasped in Gerard’s. Gerard climbs in Frank’s bunk, it’s always Frank’s bunk, an unspoken agreement leading back from the days when they were both too drunk to climb into Gerard’s higher bed. Frank is still looking puzzled, he’d assumed that all this, whatever this was, would stop with Gerard being engaged. But no, here they are, Gerard leaning forward, starting to unzip the younger man’s jeans. Finally, Frank catches on, lying back, arching his back, biting back moans as Gerard finally gets his hand into the guitarist’s boxers._

**  
Gerard is now panting, partly through arousal at the memory, but partly from fear. Fear of Lindsey coming in and finding him like this, sitting amongst photos, blinking back tears.

He’d promised himself when he proposed to Lindsey that any relationship with Frank would end. It HAD to end. He never intended to break that promise, it was just that when Frank was around, he forgot about it. All he cared about was making Frank blush, making him chew on his lip ring and later on, making him moan and scream. He found himself daydreaming about Frank more and more, drawing him as they sat in the kitchen area talking about comics and horror flicks.

He used to tell himself that the reason he and Frank amplified their stage antics at projekt rev was because he was marrying Lindsey soon after and it was their way of ending what they had. But, deep down, he realises that wasn’t true. He let Frank get so close, he got so close to Frank, because he wanted to, he needed to, he couldn’t resist. Frank became his drug.

Gerard had been with men before Frank. Well, he’d been with Bert. But that doesn’t count, in Gerard’s mind anyway. He’d been drunk for most of the time he’d known Bert, sometimes even worse than drunk. By warped 05, he was sober, but Bert...Bert was definitely far from clean and sober. Gerard laughs quietly to himself, remembering how he’d justified the relationship to everyone else.

**  
 _“Pete Wentz is fucking my brother. My baby brother. And Pete Wentz. Oh my god. I need a fucking distraction, right? I fucking deserve one. **PETE WENTZ**. And my **BROTHER** ”. And that’s where Bert came in, providing the distraction Gerard longed for._

**  
His relationship with Bert had been so different to the one he had with Frank. With Bert, it was quick, it was dirty, it was filthy, it was a distraction. A summer thing. But with Frank, it wasn’t like that AT ALL. Sure, at times it was pretty filthy, Gerard thinks, smirking to himself as he remembers all the times he and Frank had exchanged quick, messy blowjobs behind the van in parking lots. But it was so much MORE than that. It was more about the times when it wasn’t just sex. It was the way Frank would curl up against him on the sofa in the back of the bus or the way he would ‘accidentally’ brush his knee against Gerard’s during interviews, smirking when they made eye contact. Gerard rubs at his eyes, willing away the tears, almost hating himself for feeling like this.

He sighs, before pulling out another photograph from the box. Gerard smiles, but this time, the smile is joined by an onslaught of tears. He can't help it. It’s a photo from the day they shot their very first music video. Gerard is smiling at something off camera, Frank is on tiptoes behind him, his arms round the bigger man’s waist, his head resting on Gerard’s shoulders, smiling, looking blissfully happy. He smiles sadly once more, before putting the photograph back in the box with the rest of them. He rests his head on the box, still silently crying. The sick feeling has returned once more and this time, perhaps for the first time, he allows himself to acknowledge what it is. It’s guilt. His whole body shakes with the tears and the realisation that he feels guilty. He feels guilty that he ended it the way he did. He feels guilty for thinking about someone else whilst married to an INCREDIBLE woman. But mainly, he feels guilty for hurting the man he loved.

Before he’s even fully aware of what he’s doing, he digs his phone out of his jacket pocket. He wipes away stray tears as his fingers dial the number. He doesn’t even have to look in the phonebook, he knows the number off by heart. He’s ALWAYS known it. Gerard takes a deep breath before pressing dial, his heart racing.


End file.
